These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends

Martin Luther Would be Sparking Religious Debates on Facebook

“Martin Luther. Imagine each of the 95 theses posted as a separate status update, each one sparking a vicious religious debate.” The dreaded religious Facebook post that sparks 100 comments that are painful to read through. These days, most people don’t even want to get onto social media for fear of hearing so many opinions. And Martin Luther would probably be no exception. The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences were written by Martin Luther in 1517 and are widely regarded as the primary means for the Protestant Reformation. Dr. Martin Luther used these Theses to display his unhappiness with the Church’s sale of indulgences, and this eventually gave birth to Protestantism.

Luther’s stance and ideology would change the religious world forever. With monarchs like Henry VIII adopting Protestantism via the Church of England, the German ideologist really gained the traction he needed. But his work did not come without backlash in a world that was then ruled by the Catholic Church. He refused to keep silent. In 1521, Pope Leo X formally excommunicated Luther from the Catholic Church. That same year, Luther again refused to recant his writings before the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V of Germany, who issued the famous Edict of Worms declaring Luther an outlaw and a heretic and giving permission for anyone to kill him without consequence. Protected by Prince Frederick, Luther began working on a German translation of the Bible, a task that took 10 years to complete. Based on his sheer will and bold attitude, there is no doubt that he would live up to this Facebook friend theory.

Beethoven Would be a Soundcloud Nightmare

“Beethoven. Soundcloud links. Check out my new mix guysss this s**t’s TIGHT #9thsymphony #composer #songoftheday #newmusic #odetojoy #newmix #deaf.” This hilarious and outlandish theory on Beethoven’s Facebook persona is perfection. But would this fit his personality type? Ludwig von Beethoven (December 1770 – March 1827) is widely regarded as the greatest composer who ever lived, in no small part because of his ability—unlike any before him—to translate feeling into music. His most famous compositions included Symphony No. 5 in C Minor, Op. So we know of his great achievements in the musical world, but let’s look at his personality. According to most accounts, he had a forceful, magnetic personality and many friends. But he was hot-tempered, often ill-mannered… oftentimes suspicious.

Politically speaking, Beethoven was initially a supporter of Napoleon, and meant to dedicate the Third Symphony to him. The dedication was angrily crossed out when Napoleon declared himself Emperor, in 1802. So he also seemed to be very open about expressing his opinions. One peer made an observation of his personality and general countenance: “Beethoven’s behavior was as erratic as his complex personality might lead one to expect. He rarely stayed in one abode for long; domestic comforts were apparently unimportant to him and he lived in a state of disorderliness which shocked many observers; he was unable to exercise control over his household affairs, and he became increasingly negligent over his dress.”

Sylvia Plath Would be the Queen of Passive Aggressive Posts

“Sylvia Plath. I’m imagining lots of those ambiguous ‘I never should have trusted you’ statuses.” Sylvia Plath (October 1932 – February 1963) was an American writer whose best-known works, including the poems “Daddy” and “Lady Lazarus” and the novel The Bell Jar, starkly express a sense of alienation and self-destruction that has resonated with many readers since the mid-20th century. Her decidedly moody tones are, no doubt, what led this person to speculate about her social media persona now. Her life’s biggest relationship did not end well and led her to struggle quite a bit with mental health. This relationship failure led to her greatest work.

Plath first met poet, Ted Hughes, on February 25, 1956, at a party in Cambridge, England. They wrote poems back and forth to each other and romance bloomed naturally. The couple married on June 16, 1956, and honeymooned in Benidorm, Spain. The following year, Plath and Hughes moved to Massachusetts, where she taught at her alma mater, Smith College. Long story short, all was not well in the marriage. After the loss of a daughter, and the birth of a son, Plath’s mental health had suffered considerably. Her life further went awry when her husband began an affair with a mutual friend. After Hughes left her for another woman in 1962, Plath fell into a deep depression. Struggling with her mental illness, she wrote The Bell Jar (1963), her only novel, which was based on her life and deals with one young woman’s mental breakdown. Plath published the novel under the pseudonym, Victoria Lucas. She would soon after end her own life in 1963.

Henry VIII Would Brag About the Ladies and Be a Fickle Friend

“Henry VIII has unfollowed Thomas Wolsey; Henry VIII and Thomas Cromwell are now friends.” It’s unsurprising that Henry VIII made the list of most obnoxious Facebook friends. We all know him as the man who went through six wives in his lifetime. But he wasn’t only a fickle lover… he was also a very fickle “friend”. At least politically speaking. Thomas Wolsey (circa 1475 – November 1530) made a name for himself as an efficient administrator, both for the Crown and the church. When Henry VIII became king in 1509, Wolsey’s rapid rise began. In 1514, he was created archbishop of York and a year later the pope made him a cardinal. Soon afterward the king appointed him lord chancellor.

The relationship broke down when Wolsey failed to get Henry an annulment to his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. It is generally accepted that as ‘legatus a latere’ (a legate sent from the pope’s side), Wolsey had told Henry that getting the Papacy to agree to the required annulment would be easy due to his influence in Rome. That… didn’t happen. And in true Henry VIII fashion, he needed to get rid of Wolsey once and for all because of his failure. Wolsey was accused of treason. However, before he could meet the end of an ax, he fell ill on the journey to trial and perished en route. Thomas Cromwell was another favorite of the King… until he no longer performed for him. And Thomas Cromwell was accused of heresy and met his end shortly after. So yeah. King Henry VIII would be friending and unfriending people left and right. But at least this would not end in blood.

Leonardo da Vinci Would Still be Brilliant But Get on People’s Nerves

“Every little thing or idea I would come up with, here comes Leo and ‘only’ improves it by 7000 times… And his status updates are getting a bit annoying too; Leonardo is now friends with, Botticelli, Mona Lisa and 3.14 others. ‘Check out this painting I did of my Boo.’, ‘Like, if you want me to make a birdmachine.’, ‘Looking for sponsors, I have some things drawn that just might work PM for details.’… I’m done with this guy, like who’s going to remember any of his brainfarts in a few hundred years… /Unfriend.” This opinionated rant about how Leonardo da Vinci is no doubt a consequence of the fact that he achieved so much it seems unreal that one person could do so much in one lifetime.

Leonardo da Vinci (April 1452 – May 1519) is, without a doubt, one of the greatest minds in world history. His natural genius crossed so many disciplines that he epitomized the term “Renaissance man.” Today he remains best known for his art, including two paintings that remain among the world’s most famous and admired, Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. Art, da Vinci believed, was indisputably connected with science and nature. And he didn’t sleep on his scientific studies either. As an engineer, Leonardo conceived ideas vastly ahead of his own time, conceptually inventing the parachute, the helicopter, an armored fighting vehicle, the use of concentrated solar power, a calculator, a rudimentary theory of plate tectonics and the double hull.

Thomas Edison Would Brag on Himself Way Too Much

“Edison… ‘Just made five patents today!’, ‘Magician of Menlo Park? I could get used to that.’; ‘There’s way 246 to not make a light bulb!’, ‘Oops, gotta expand my workshop again!’ Despite controversial claims that Thomas Edison was a fraud, the claims are unsubstantiated. But his hubris did get in the way of a lot of things. Most notably his Alternating Current (AC) vs Direct Current (DC) feud with Nikola Tesla. Edison’s DC method had reigned supreme and was threatened by Tesla’s AC method of electricity. In order to discredit Tesla’s current, Edison resorted to extremes and publicity.

Tesla originally was employed by Edison. Tesla only worked for Edison for about six months, and after a time spent digging graves, he received enough investor cash to set up his own company in Rahway, New Jersey, close to Menlo Park. Those investors took the company out from under him, and it wasn’t until 1887, with a new factory in Manhattan, that Tesla was able to truly pursue his AC motor. Soon after, he licensed his patents to George Westinghouse, Edison’s chief rival in the race to supply cities with power. The race between AC and DC would escalate from there, with Edison pulling out nearly all the stops to prove that AC was dangerous. In 1903, poor Topsy the Elephant was electrocuted to prove that Alternating Current was far more dangerous than Direct Current.

William Shakespeare Would Constantly Be Posting Semi-Cringey Lines

“Shakespeare. Every status in iambic pentameter.” Oh, Shakespeare. Who wouldn’t give a good amount of money to see what he would do on social media platforms? William Shakespeare (April 1564 – April 1616) is irrefutably the most iconic and prolific writer in history. When people talk about being a great writer, Shakespeare is always on the mind or tongue. Unfortunately, we don’t have any personal accounts to really analyze what his personality type would be. But he left behind so many works that vary from comedy to tragedy, we know he would have been an interesting guy to hang out with.

William Shakespeare would have lived with his family in their house on Henley Street until he turned eighteen. When he was eighteen, Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, who was twenty-six. It was a rushed marriage because Anne was already pregnant at the time of the ceremony. Together they had three children. Their first daughter, Susanna, was born six months after the wedding and was later followed by twins Hamnet and Judith. Hamnet passed when he was just 11 years old. Between about 1590 and 1613, Shakespeare wrote at least 37 plays and collaborated on several more. When Shakespeare wrote in verse, he most often used a form called iambic pentameter. Iamb, or iambic foot, is a poetic unit of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (de-DUM.) Iambic pentameter contains five iambs, each two syllables long, for a total of ten syllables.

Mother Teresa Would Constantly Be Guilting People on Facebook

“Mother Teresa. She’d be that Facebook friend who constantly invited you to like pages and join groups to save some little girl’s life.” If you want to see photography and film of a living saint, look no further than archives about Mother Teresa. During her lifetime Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, better known as Mother Teresa, became famous as the Catholic nun who dedicated her life to caring for the destitute and dying in the slums of Calcutta – now known as Kolkata. At the age of eighteen, she left her parental home in Skopje and joined the Sisters of Loreto, an Irish community of nuns with missions in India. After a few months’ training in Dublin she was sent to India, where on May 24, 1931, she took her initial vows as a nun.

From 1931 to 1948 Mother Teresa taught at St. Mary’s High School in Calcutta, but the suffering and poverty she glimpsed outside the convent walls made such a deep impression on her that in 1948 she received permission from her superiors to leave the convent school and devote herself to working among the poorest of the poor in the slums of Calcutta. Although she had no funds, she depended on Divine Providence and started an open-air school for slum children. Soon she was joined by voluntary helpers, and financial support was also forthcoming. This made it possible for her to extend the scope of her work. She then went on to open her own Mission in Calcutta. With two miracles approved, Pope Francis canonized Mother Teresa a saint on September 4, 2016—just a day shy of the 19th anniversary of her passing.

Related: Mother Teresa: 8 Reasons Why Some Believe She Was No Saint.

Benjamin Franklin Would Be Another Obnoxious Over Achiever

“Ben Franklin. Such an overachiever. Yeah, we get it man, you’re brilliant and charming and work your butt off night and day. What’s that you say? You’re a famous writer and a scientist, and a successful entrepreneur, and a founding father, and a ladies’ man? And you’ve got some wit and wisdom to share with us, to aid in our productivity? Eat my shorts, Franklin.” This list is filled with the most iconic overachievers in history. But it’s no surprise that the Founding Father bad boy would be in this repertoire of historical figures. Through his scandals and shadier dealings, his achievements for American History shine through.

Benjamin Franklin (January 1706 – April 1790), was an American printer and publisher, author, inventor, scientist, and diplomat. Throughout his life, Benjamin Franklin created several items ranging from bifocals to musical instruments. However, for whatever reason, Franklin never once sent any of his inventions in for a patent. Today, many people find this strange because Franklin could have received a lot of credit and money for many of his devices, especially the ones we still use today. Historians who have studied Franklin believe that Franklin did not request patents for his inventions because it was against his beliefs. Franklin thought that we should share our designs as long as they can help others.

Confucius Would be Hard to Follow Because He’s So “Enlightened”

Jesus Would Bring Up his Dad in Every Conversation

“Jesus Christ: ‘Hey guys check out what my dad made!’ Blah blah blah…” This may be a controversial one, but funny if you can keep a light heart about matters. As the Son of God, it would be quite intimidating to be friends with him on social media. I mean, he is the most famous figure in Western Culture. Indeed, about one-third of the world is considered “Christian” today. That’s a pretty staggering number – that’s a pretty influential life after nearly 2,000 years. Yes, some religious institutions have confused and cluttered the original message of Jesus over the centuries, but his simple life and powerful words still speak for themselves. Even though there is very little known about the actual life of Jesus of Nazareth, he is potentially the most discussed figure in the world as well. Sparking religious debate, theories, and so much more.

In his mid-30s Jesus had a short public career, lasting perhaps less than one year, during which he attracted considerable attention. The problem in understanding Jesus as a historian begins with the fact that we have rather limited sources for reconstructing his life. Those sources are primarily the gospel traditions that we have in the New Testament, some apocryphal materials from the early Christian tradition, and some sources external to the New Testament. Those sources external to the New Testament are particularly valuable because they’re not directly statements of faith, the way the New Testament materials are. Chief among those external sources is Josephus, a Jewish historian who wrote at the end of the first century and who in book 18 of his “Antiquities of the Jews” has a small passage about Jesus. He also reports about John the Baptist, and about James, the brother of Jesus. And those passages constitute the first external testimonies to the existence of Jesus by someone who was not a follower.

Marie Antoinette Would Show Off a Lifestyle Most People Couldn’t Afford

René Descartes’ Posts Would Be So Philosophically Annoying

“Descartes: ‘I update my status, therefore I am.’ French philosopher René Descartes (March 1596 – February 1650) has been heralded as the first modern philosopher. He is famous for having made an important connection between geometry and algebra, which allowed for the solving of geometrical problems by way of algebraic equations. Descartes was the philosopher that famously said “cogito, ergo sum” Latin for “I think, therefore I am.” He coined this in his Discourse on Method (1637) as a first step in demonstrating the attainability of certain knowledge. It is the only statement to survive the test of his methodic doubt. Descartes was the first of the modern rationalists. He thought that only knowledge of eternal truths (including the truths of mathematics and the foundations of the sciences) could be attained by reason alone, while the knowledge of physics required experience of the world, aided by the scientific method.

Scholars agree that Descartes recognizes at least three innate ideas: the idea of God, the idea of (finite) mind, and the idea of (indefinite) body. In the Meditations and related texts from the early 1640s, Descartes argues that the self can be correctly considered as either a mind or a human being and that the self’s properties vary accordingly. For example, the self is simply considered as a mind, whereas the self is composite considered as a human being. But as mentioned before, he was not only heralded as a philosopher but also made a major contribution to the world of mathematics. Descartes had devised a kind of dictionary between algebra and geometry, which in addition to associating pairs of numbers to points, allowed him to describe lines drawn on the plane by equations with two variables—x and y—and vice versa.

Paul Revere, We Don’t Need You to be Our News Source

“Paul Revere… he would just fill my news feed with ‘RED COATS ARE COMING! OMG!'” We all have that Facebook friend that seems to want to work as an anchorman on social media; always posting news articles or announcing news that everybody already knows. Of course, the legend of Paul Revere’s ride is actually misunderstood and greatly exaggerated. The story goes a little like this. In order to warn the colonists of Massachusetts that the British army was about to attack, Paul Revere rode his horse through the streets, shouting “The British are coming! The British are coming!” This timely warning allowed the colonists to be prepared for the attack and Paul Revere has gone down in history as a pivotal figure in the American Revolution.

Paul Revere was an important player in the American Revolution and he did warn the colonists of the British attack. But the details of that night have been significantly altered. Most of the blame for this lies with poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, who wrote a poem in 1860 entitled “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere,” bringing attention to an otherwise obscure historical event. While it is believed that Longfellow had an accurate account of the event from which to base his poem, he took considerable creative license in his retelling. Revere’s ride was actually prompted by Dr. Joseph Warren, who sent him to warn Concord of the impending attack, but also asked him to stop in Lexington to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams that British troops were planning to arrest them (though this later turned out to be false intelligence).

Nostradamus Would be Downright Creepy and Have a Conspiracy Following

“Nostradamus: Always posting other people’s statuses, years ahead…” Of course, this would be a historical figure on social media that would probably gather a huge conspiracy following. Michel de Nostredame (December 1503 – July 1566), usually Latinized as Nostradamus, was a French astrologer, physician and reputed seer, who is best known for his book Les Prophéties, a collection of 942 poetic quatrains allegedly predicting future events. The book was first published in 1555. Soothsaying is a profitable venture if you can convince enough people that your fortune-telling skills are real. Nostradamus is probably the most famous example of someone predicting the future although, in this instance, it seems to be a case of reaching for a conclusion rather than the French seer actually getting things right. If you read his prophecies, you’ll soon realize that everything is so vague that you can glean almost anything you like for them. For example, he once wrote about “two steel birds” and fire in a big city which was interpreted as prediction about 9/11.

By 1554, Nostradamus’ visions had become an integral part of his works in the almanacs, and he decided to channel all his energies into a massive opus he entitled Centuries. He planned to write 10 volumes, which would contain 100 predictions forecasting the next 2,000 years. Nostradamus ran into some controversy with his predictions, as some thought he was a servant of the devil, and others said he was fake or insane. However, many more believed the prophecies were spiritually inspired. He became famous and in demand by many of Europe’s elite. Catherine de Medici, the wife of King Henri II of France, was one of Nostradamus’ greatest admirers. After reading his almanacs of 1555, where he hinted at unnamed threats to her family, she summoned him to Paris to explain and draw up horoscopes for her children. A few years later, she made him Counselor and Physician-in-Ordinary to King Henri’s court.

Mozart Would be all about Music and Poop Jokes

“One or two posts about music and everything else about poop. Dude had a fetish.” No, this is not made up. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (January 1756 – December 1791), an Austrian composer, widely recognized as one of the greatest composers in the history of Western music really loved potty humor. Particularly in his youth, Mozart had a striking fondness for scatological humor (not so unusual in his time), which is preserved in his many surviving letters, notably those written to his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart around 1777-1778, but also in his correspondence with his sister Nannerl and his parents. You know what? Let’s not even try to explain this to you. Let’s just show you the primary source letter we have from Mozart in correspondence with a friend. He really, really loved potty humor.

“Now I must relate to you a sad story that happened just this minute. As I am in the middle of my best writing, I hear a noise in the street. I stop writing—get up, go to the window—and—the noise is gone—I sit down again, start writing once more—I have barely written ten words when I hear the noise again—I rise—but as I rise, I can still hear something but very faint—it smells like something burning—wherever I go it stinks, when I look out the window, the smell goes away, when I turn my head back to the room, the smell comes back—finally My Mama says to me: I bet you let one go?—I don’t think so, Mama. yes, yes, I’m quite certain, I put it to the test, stick my finger in my a**, then put it to my nose, and—there is the proof! Mama was right!” Ew. What a weird but brilliant man.

George Washington Carver Would Obsessively Post about Peanuts

“George Washington Carver: All of his statuses would be about some d*mn peanuts.” George Washington Carver (circa 1864 – 1963) was undoubtedly the King of Peanuts. But he was so much more than that and many points of misinformation about this brilliant scientist. Some of George Washington Carver’s best-known inventions include crop rotation, or planting different crops to restore soil instead of single-crop farming, and creating 300 different uses for peanuts (which actually weren’t classified as a crop until Carver’s work). George Washington Carver created more than 300 products from the peanut plant but is often remembered for the one he didn’t invent: peanut butter. The agricultural scientist is often given credit for “discovering” something that was already there. In 1884, Marcellus Gilmore Edson of Canada patented peanut paste.

At a young age, Carver took a keen interest in plants and experimented with natural pesticides, fungicides and soil conditioners. He became known as “the plant doctor” to local farmers due to his ability to discern how to improve the health of their gardens, fields and orchards. Through his work on soil chemistry, Carver learned that years of growing cotton had depleted the nutrients from soil, resulting in low yields. But by growing nitrogen-fixing plants like peanuts, soybeans and sweet potatoes, the soil could be restored, allowing yield to increase dramatically when the land was reverted to cotton use a few years later. All of this success in crop rotation had an unexpected consequence: the overproduction of peanuts. Which caused Carver to look into the possibilities of peanut’s uses. In all, he developed more than 300 food, industrial and commercial products from peanuts, including milk, Worcestershire sauce, punches, cooking oils and salad oil, paper, cosmetics, soaps and wood stains. He also experimented with peanut-based medicines, such as antiseptics, laxatives and goiter medications.

Joseph Stalin

JSTOR – Representing Queen Marie-Amélie in a “Bourgeois” Monarchy

Wikipedia – Objectivism

BBVA – Descartes and the Rebirth of Geometry

Paul Revere’s House – The Real Story of Paul Revere’s Ride

Luther de – The 95 Theses