These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends

Alli - November 30, 2021

When we look back on historical figures, we tend to dehumanize them and create legends surrounding them. They no longer seem like they are like one of us. Idolizing historical figures is something people have done throughout history, but it really does take away their personality traits. We remember what they did, how they affected history, and what they mean to us in today’s terms. But they were just like us; with their quirks and mannerisms. And some of them may have even come across as downright obnoxious. We thought we would break from the typical content we give and look at a human and comedic side of history. We trolled the internet for people’s anonymous quotes on who they thought would be the very worst Facebook friends. We know the type of people on social media. The debaters, the aggravators; the SoundCloud musicians, the overachievers. If these people were alive today, they would have a very unique presence on social media. Here are the funniest theories and the background supporting these judgements.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Galileo Galilei, the father of modern science. Wikimedia.

Galileo Galilei Just Looked for People to Argue With

“I’d say Galileo. He was known at university for standing around in corridors looking for people to argue with and his page would probably be hacked by cardinals all the time.” Galileo, in full Galileo Galilei, (February 15, 1564 -January 8, 1642), was an Italian natural philosopher, astronomer, and mathematician. He is best known as the father of modern science. It’s hard to pinpoint one crowning achievement because he was the foundation for so many scientific schools of thought and study. made fundamental contributions to the sciences of motion, astronomy, and strength of materials and to the development of the scientific method. He also made revolutionary telescopic discoveries, including the four largest moons of Jupiter. But along with the pure genius came a quirky side.

Galileo loved to argue. And this person thought he would be the victim of account hacking too. Which wouldn’t be surprising. But his love for challenging peers to debate started at an early age. When he was 16, Galileo enrolled at the University of Pisa to study medicine, at his father’s urging. Instead, though, he became interested in mathematics and shifted his focus to that subject. Galileo left the school in 1585 without earning a degree. According to Viviani, a close friend of Galileo in his later years, recalled that his comrade was, “a bold questioner of established opinions and often found himself opposed to the Aristotelians.” Although he never received the degree at the University of Pisa, it’s obvious his time and mind were not wasted there.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Martin Luther was alleged to have taken his obsession with purifying sin to an extreme. Wikimedia Commons.

Martin Luther Would be Sparking Religious Debates on Facebook

“Martin Luther. Imagine each of the 95 theses posted as a separate status update, each one sparking a vicious religious debate.” The dreaded religious Facebook post that sparks 100 comments that are painful to read through. These days, most people don’t even want to get onto social media for fear of hearing so many opinions. And Martin Luther would probably be no exception. The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences were written by Martin Luther in 1517 and are widely regarded as the primary means for the Protestant Reformation. Dr Martin Luther used these Theses to display his unhappiness with the Church’s sale of indulgences, and this eventually gave birth to Protestantism.

Luther’s stance and ideology would change the religious world forever. With monarchs like Henry VIII adopting Protestantism via the Church of England, the German ideologist really gained the traction he needed. But his work did not come without backlash in a world that was then ruled by the Catholic Church. He refused to keep silent. In 1521, Pope Leo X formally excommunicated Luther from the Catholic Church. That same year, Luther again refused to recant his writings before the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V of Germany, who issued the famous Edict of Worms declaring Luther an outlaw and a heretic and giving permission for anyone to kill him without consequence. Protected by Prince Frederick, Luther began working on a German translation of the Bible, a task that took 10 years to complete. Based on his sheer will and bold attitude, there is no doubt that he would live up to this Facebook friend theory.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Beethoven is arguably one of the most recognizable musicians of all time. Wikimedia.

Beethoven Would be a Soundcloud Nightmare

“Beethoven. Soundcloud links. Check out my new mix guysss this s**t’s TIGHT #9thsymphony #composer #songoftheday #newmusic #odetojoy #newmix #deaf.” This hilarious and outlandish theory on Beethoven’s Facebook persona is perfection. But would this fit his personality type? Ludwig von Beethoven (December 1770 – March 1827) is widely regarded as the greatest composer who ever lived, in no small part because of his ability—unlike any before him—to translate feeling into music. His most famous compositions included Symphony No. 5 in C Minor, Op. So we know of his great achievements in the musical world, but let’s look at his personality. According to most accounts, he had a forceful, magnetic personality and many friends. But he was hot-tempered, often ill-mannered… oftentimes suspicious.

Politically speaking, Beethoven was initially a supporter of Napoleon, and meant to dedicate the Third Symphony to him. The dedication was angrily crossed out when Napoleon declared himself Emperor, in 1802. So he also seemed to be very open about expressing his opinions. One peer made an observation of his personality and general countenance: “Beethoven’s behaviour was as erratic as his complex personality might lead one to expect. He rarely stayed in one abode for long; domestic comforts were apparenly unimportant to him and he lived in a state of disorderliness which shocked many observers; he was unable to excercise control over his household affairs; and he became increasingly negligent over his dress.”

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Sylvia Plath had a genius-level IQ and a huge ambition to match. Pinterest.

Sylvia Plath Would be the Queen of Passive Aggressive Posts

“Sylvia Plath. I’m imagining lots of those ambiguous ‘I never should have trusted you’ statuses.” Sylvia Plath (October 1932 – February 1963) was an American writer whose best-known works, including the poems “Daddy” and “Lady Lazarus” and the novel The Bell Jar, starkly express a sense of alienation and self-destruction that has resonated with many readers since the mid-20th century. Her decidedly moody tones are, no doubt, what led this person to speculate about her social media persona now. Her life’s biggest relationship did not end well and led her to struggle quite a bit with mental health. This relationship failure led to her greatest work.

Plath first met poet, Ted Hughes, on February 25, 1956, at a party in Cambridge, England. They wrote poems back and forth to each other and romance bloomed naturally. The couple married on June 16, 1956, and honeymooned in Benidorm, Spain. The following year, Plath and Hughes moved to the Massachusetts, where she taught at her alma mater, Smith College. Long story short, all was not well in the marriage. After the loss of a daughter, and the birth of a son, Plath’s mental health had suffered considerably. Her life further went awry when her husband began an affair with a mutual friend. After Hughes left her for another woman in 1962, Plath fell into a deep depression. Struggling with her mental illness, she wrote The Bell Jar (1963), her only novel, which was based on her life and deals with one young woman’s mental breakdown. Plath published the novel under the pseudonym, Victoria Lucas. She would soon after end her own life in 1963.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
King Henry VIII. Royal.uk.

Henry VIII Would Brag About the Ladies and Be a Fickle Friend

“Henry VIII has unfollowed Thomas Wolsey; Henry VIII and Thomas Cromwell are now friends.” It’s unsurprising that Henry VIII made the list of most obnoxious Facebook friends. We all know him as the man who went through six wives in his lifetime. But he wasn’t only a fickle lover… he was also a very fickle “friend”. At least politically speaking. Thomas Wolsey (circa 1475 – November 1530) made a name for himself as an efficient administrator, both for the Crown and the church. When Henry VIII became king in 1509, Wolsey’s rapid rise began. In 1514, he was created archbishop of York and a year later the pope made him a cardinal. Soon afterwards the king appointed him lord chancellor.

The relationship broke down when Wolsey failed to get Henry an annulment to his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. It is generally accepted that as ‘legatus a latere’ (a legate sent from the pope’s side), Wolsey had told Henry that getting the Papacy to agree to the required annulment would be easy due to his influence in Rome. That… didn’t happen. And in true Henry VIII fashion, he needed to get rid of Wolsey once and for all because of his failure. Wolsey was accused of treason. However, before he could meet the end of an ax, he fell ill on the journey to trial and perished en route. Thomas Cromwell was another favorite of the King… until he no longer performed for him. And Thomas Cromwell was accused of heresy and met his end shortly after. So yeah. King Henry VIII would be friending and unfriending people left and right. But at least this would not end in blood.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Leonardo d Vinci, the first and last renaissance Man. Wikicommons

Leonardo da Vinci Would Still be Brilliant But Get on People’s Nerves

“Every little thing or idea I would come up with, here comes Leo and ‘only’ improves it by 7000 times… And his status updates are getting a bit annoying too; Leonardo is now friends with, Botticelli ,Mona Lisa and 3.14 others. ‘Check out this painting I did of my Boo.’, ‘Like, if you want me to make a birdmachine.’, ‘Looking for sponsors , I have some things drawn that just might work PM for details.’… I’m done with this guy, like who’s going to remember any of his brainfarts in a few hundred years… /Unfriend.” This opinionated rant about how Leonardo da Vinci is no doubt a consequence of the fact that he achieved so much it seems unreal that one person could do so much in one lifetime.

Leonardo da Vinci (April 1452 – May 1519) is, without a doubt, one of the greatest minds in world history. His natural genius crossed so many disciplines that he epitomized the term “Renaissance man.” Today he remains best known for his art, including two paintings that remain among the world’s most famous and admired, Mona Lisa and The Last Supper. Art, da Vinci believed, was indisputably connected with science and nature. And he didn’t sleep on his scientific studies either. As an engineer, Leonardo conceived ideas vastly ahead of his own time, conceptually inventing the parachute, the helicopter, an armored fighting vehicle, the use of concentrated solar power, a calculator, a rudimentary theory of plate tectonics and the double hull.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Thomas Edison is remembered for inventing the light bulb, though in fact his patent was for an improved electric light. Several working light bulbs preceded his. National Portrait Gallery

Thomas Edison Would Brag on Himself Way Too Much

“Edison… ‘Just made five patents today!’, ‘Magician of Menlo Park? I could get used to that.’; ‘There’s way 246 to not make a light bulb!’, ‘Oops, gotta expand my workshop again!’ Despite controversial claims that Thomas Edison was a fraud, the claims are unsubstantiated. But his hubris did get in the way of a lot of things. Most notably his Alternating Current (AC) vs Direct Current (DC) feud with Nikola Tesla. Edison’s DC method had reigned supreme and was threatened by Tesla’s AC method of electricity. In order to discredit Tesla’s current, Edison resorted to extremes and publicity.

Tesla originally was employed by Edison. Tesla only worked for Edison for about six months, and after a time spent digging graves, he received enough investor cash to set up his own company in Rahway, New Jersey, close to Menlo Park. Those investors took the company out from under him, and it wasn’t until 1887, with a new factory in Manhattan, that Tesla was able to truly pursue his AC motor. Soon after, he licensed his patents to George Westinghouse, Edison’s chief rival in the race to supply cities with power. The race between AC and DC would escalate from there, with Edison pulling out nearly all the stops to prove that AC was dangerous. In 1903, poor Topsy the Elephant was electrocuted to prove that Alternating Current was far more dangerous than Direct Current.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Some Shakespeare scholars credit the Bard with a famous romantic expression. Wikipedia.

William Shakespeare Would Constantly Be Posting Semi-Cringey Lines

“Shakespeare. Every status in iambic pentameter.” Oh, Shakespeare. Who wouldn’t give a good amount of money to see what he would do on social media platforms? William Shakespeare (April 1564 – April 1616) is irrefutably the most iconic and prolific writer in history. When people talk about being a great writer, Shakespeare is always on the mind or tongue. Unfortunately, we don’t have any personal accounts to really analyze what his personality type would be. But he left behind so many works that vary from comedy to tragedy, we know he would have been an interesting guy to hang out with.

William Shakespeare would have lived with his family in their house on Henley Street until he turned eighteen. When he was eighteen, Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway, who was twenty-six. It was a rushed marriage because Anne was already pregnant at the time of the ceremony. Together they had three children. Their first daughter, Susanna, was born six months after the wedding and was later followed by twins Hamnet and Judith. Hamnet passed when he was just 11 years old. Between about 1590 and 1613, Shakespeare wrote at least 37 plays and collaborated on several more. When Shakespeare wrote in verse, he most often used a form called iambic pentameter. Iamb, or iambic foot, is a poetic unit of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (de-DUM.) Iambic pentameter contains five iambs, each two syllables long, for a total of ten syllables.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, better known as Mother Teresa. Wikimedia.

Mother Teresa Would Constantly Be Guilting People on Facebook

“Mother Teresa. She’d be that facebook friend who constantly invited you to like pages and join groups to save some little girl’s life.” If you want to see photography and film of a living saint, look no further than archives about Mother Teresa. During her lifetime Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, better known as Mother Teresa, became famous as the Catholic nun who dedicated her life to caring for the destitute and dying in the slums of Calcutta – now known as Kolkata. At the age of eighteen she left her parental home in Skopje and joined the Sisters of Loreto, an Irish community of nuns with missions in India. After a few months’ training in Dublin she was sent to India, where on May 24, 1931, she took her initial vows as a nun.

From 1931 to 1948 Mother Teresa taught at St. Mary’s High School in Calcutta, but the suffering and poverty she glimpsed outside the convent walls made such a deep impression on her that in 1948 she received permission from her superiors to leave the convent school and devote herself to working among the poorest of the poor in the slums of Calcutta. Although she had no funds, she depended on Divine Providence, and started an open-air school for slum children. Soon she was joined by voluntary helpers, and financial support was also forthcoming. This made it possible for her to extend the scope of her work. She then went on to open her own Mission in Calcutta. With two miracles approved, Pope Francis canonized Mother Teresa a saint on September 4, 2016—just a day shy of the 19th anniversary of her passing.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Benjamin Franklin. New York Post

Benjamin Franklin Would Be Another Obnoxious Over Achiever

“Ben Franklin. Such an overachiever. Yeah, we get it man, you’re brilliant and charming and work your butt off night and day. What’s that you say? You’re a famous writer and a scientist, and a successful entrepreneur, and a founding father, and a ladies’ man? And you’ve got some wit and wisdom to share with us, to aid in our productivity? Eat my shorts, Franklin.” This list is filled with the most iconic overachievers in history. But it’s no surprise that the Founding Father bad boy would be in this repertoire of historical figures. Through his scandals and shadier dealings, his achievements for American History shine through.

Benjamin Franklin (January 1706 – April 1790), was an American printer and publisher, author, inventor, scientist, and diplomat. Throughout his life, Benjamin Franklin created several items ranging from bifocals to musical instruments. However, for whatever reason, Franklin never once sent any of his inventions in for a patent. Today, many people find this strange because Franklin could have received a lot of credit and money for many of his devices, especially the ones we still use today. Historians who have studied Franklin believe that Franklin did not request patents for his inventions because it was against his beliefs. Franklin thought that we should share our designs as long as they can help others.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends

Confucius Would be Hard to Follow Because He’s So “Enlightened”

“Confucius would just be changing his status to weird little sayings all the time. I’d hate that.” Confucius (circa 551-479 BCE) was a Chinese teacher, editor, politician, and philosopher of the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history. The philosophy of Confucius, also known as Confucianism, emphasized personal and governmental morality, correctness of social relationships, justice and sincerity. His ideals have become intrinsically entwined with the national identity of China and the civilization of East Asia. Confucius showed a zeal for academics early on. “At 15, I set my heart on learning,” he later told his disciples. He studied music, mathematics, the classics, history, and more. He was especially entranced by the early years of the Zhou dynasty (1046-256 B.C.), a peaceful period he perceived as a golden age to be emulated.

Confucius believed that education and reflection led to virtue, and that those who aspired to command others must cultivate discipline and moral authority in themselves. He strove to rise through the government ranks, but he tended to offend others with his forceful personality, using his position as a bully pulpit for preaching good governance. He eventually was appointed to the influential post of minister of crime in the state of Lu but fell from favor through his aggressive reform efforts. He tried for years to reenter public service in order to improve it from within, but he found far greater success as a teacher instead. Confucius broke with tradition in his belief that all human beings could benefit from education. He espoused lifelong learning “for the sake of the self,” meaning self- knowledge and self-improvement.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Christus Pantocrator – Artistic representation of Jesus Christ God, the second divine Person of the Most Holy Trinity (Cathedral of Cefalù, c. 1130.). Andreas Wahra/ Wikimedia Commons/ Public Domain.

Jesus Would Bring Up his Dad in Every Conversation

“Jesus Christ: ‘Hey guys check out what my dad made!’ Blah blah blah…” This may be a controversial one, but funny if you can keep a light heart about matters. As the Son of God, it would be quite intimidating to be friends with him on social media. I mean, he is the most famous figure in Western Culture. Indeed, about one-third of the world is considered “Christian” today. That’s a pretty staggering number – that’s a pretty influential life after nearly 2,000 years. Yes, some religious institutions have confused and cluttered the original message of Jesus over the centuries, but his simple life and powerful words still speak for themselves. Even though there is very little known about the actual life of Jesus of Nazareth, he is potentially the most discussed figure in the world as well. Sparking religious debate, theories, and so much more.

In his mid-30s Jesus had a short public career, lasting perhaps less than one year, during which he attracted considerable attention. The problem in understanding Jesus as a historian begins with the fact that we have rather limited sources for reconstructing his life. Those sources are primarily the gospel traditions that we have in the New Testament, some apocryphal materials from the early Christian tradition, and some sources external to the New Testament. Those sources external to the New Testament are particularly valuable because they’re not directly statements of faith, the way the New Testament materials are. Chief among those external sources is Josephus, a Jewish historian who wrote at the end of the first century and who in book 18 of his “Antiquities of the Jews,” has a small passage about Jesus. He also reports about John the Baptist, and about James, the brother of Jesus. And those passages constitute the first external testimonies to the existence of Jesus by someone who was not a follower.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Marie Antoinette. All That Is Interesting

Marie Antoinette Would Show Off a Lifestyle Most People Couldn’t Afford

“Marie Antoinette. Nothing but pictures of bright shiny objects, clothes no one else can ever afford, and life at Versailles while the rest of the country suffered. She’d also hashtag EVERYTHING. Yeah, one of those… ‘New clothes! #hott #QueenofVersailles #letthemeatcake #canttouchthis #sun #likeforlike #picoftheday #motherhood #rich #gold #wealth #new #clothes #sun #powderedwig #horses #life #thisisthelife #poorpeoplesuck #poor #lady.” Of course, Marie Antoinette did famously (but falsely) say “Let them eat cake!” While this historical representation of her is just a myth, the fact that she and the French monarchy carelessly indulged while the impoverished of France struggled is very much true.

Popular hatred of Marie-Antoinette contributed to the monarchy’s overthrow in 1792 and to her and Louis XVI’s subsequent imprisonment. When the French people decided to revolt against the corrupt government, Marie Antoinette became an object of spite for the common people. Their fight for liberty, however, was squashed by the monarchy. What Marie Antoinette saw was not liberty, but rebellion and chaos. Marie decided that the revolution must be crushed with mercenary Germanic troops. She believed, deep down, that the people were good natured and would respect the authority of the monarchy when faced with force. But she was wrong Her rejection of reform provoked unrest, and her policy of court resistance to the progress of the French Revolution finally led to the overthrow of the monarchy in August 1792.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Ayn Rand. The Guardian.

Ayn Rand Would Rant and Have a Bunch of Pretentious Fanboys

“Ayn Rand. Have you ever read one of her 75 page philosophical rants?” Ayn Rand was a Russian-born American author and philosopher. Rand authored two best-selling novels, The Fountainhead (1943) and Atlas Shrugged (1957). Her novels were especially influential among conservatives and libertarians from the mid-20th century. Yup, The Fountainhead. The one that all of the pretentious, pro-capitalist, Wolf of Wall Street loving fanboys try to say is canon. Ayn Rand has been one of the greatest salesmen of capitalism in history, with total sales of her books approaching 30 million copies. Take from that what you will.

Rand called her philosophy “Objectivism”, describing its essence as “the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute”. Her subsequent book fully defined what would become the four tenets of objectivism: reality, reason, self-interest, and capitalism. Ayn Rand isn’t well liked amongst other philosophers because her work doesn’t fit into the mold of what academia deems acceptable philosophy. Many argue that this makes perfect sense when you understand that Ayn Rand’s view of philosophy is different (she wasn’t trying to meet the standards of academic philosophy). Many, adversely, believe that Ayn Rand’s fundamental problem is that her arguments aren’t great. They often don’t support the conclusions she wants them to, or they reach conclusions that seem incoherent. Well-reasoned arguments are the critical difference between a person giving their opinion and a philosopher, and she often failed to provide them.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
René Descartes. Wikimedia.

René Descartes’ Posts Would Be So Philosophically Annoying

“Descartes: ‘I update my status, therefore I am.’ French philosopher René Descartes (March 1596 – February 1650) has been heralded as the first modern philosopher. He is famous for having made an important connection between geometry and algebra, which allowed for the solving of geometrical problems by way of algebraic equations. Descartes was the philosopher that famously said “cogito, ergo sum” Latin for “I think, therefore I am.” He coined this in his Discourse on Method (1637) as a first step in demonstrating the attainability of certain knowledge. It is the only statement to survive the test of his methodic doubt. Descartes was the first of the modern rationalists. He thought that only knowledge of eternal truths (including the truths of mathematics and the foundations of the sciences) could be attained by reason alone, while the knowledge of physics required experience of the world, aided by the scientific method.

Scholars agree that Descartes recognizes at least three innate ideas: the idea of God, the idea of (finite) mind, and the idea of (indefinite) body. In the Meditations and related texts from the early 1640s, Descartes argues that the self can be correctly considered as either a mind or a human being, and that the self’s properties vary accordingly. For example, the self is simple considered as a mind, whereas the self is composite considered as a human being. But as mentioned before, he was not only heralded as a philosopher, but also made a major contribution to the world of mathematics. Descartes had devised a kind of dictionary between algebra and geometry, which in addition to associating pairs of numbers to points, allowed him to describe lines drawn on the plane by equations with two variables—x and y—and vice versa.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
The midnight ride of Paul Revere. Smithsonian Magazine

Paul Revere, We Don’t Need You to be Our News Source

“Paul Revere… he would just fill my news feed with ‘RED COATS ARE COMING! OMG!'” We all have that Facebook friend that seems to want to work as an anchorman on social media; always posting news articles or announcing news that everybody already knows. Of course, the legend of Paul Revere’s ride is actually misunderstood and greatly exaggerated. The story goes a little like this. In order to warn the colonists of Massachusetts that the British army was about to attack, Paul Revere rode his horse through the streets, shouting “The British are coming! The British are coming!” This timely warning allowed the colonists to be prepared for the attack and Paul Revere has gone down in history as a pivotal figure in the American Revolution.

Paul Revere was an important player in the American Revolution and he did warn the colonists of the British attack. But the details of that night have been significantly altered. Most of the blame for this lies with poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, who wrote a poem in 1860 entitled “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere,” bringing attention to an otherwise obscure historical event. While it is believed that Longfellow had an accurate account of the event from which to base his poem, he took considerable creative license in his retelling. Revere’s ride was actually prompted by Dr. Joseph Warren, who sent him to warn Concord of the impending attack, but also asked him to stop in Lexington to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams that British troops were planning to arrest them (though this later turned out to be false intelligence).

Nostradamus Would be Downright Creepy and Have a Conspiracy Following

“Nostradamus: Always posting other peoples statuses, years ahead…” Of course this would be an historical figure on social media that would probably gather a huge conspiracy following.Michel de Nostredame (December 1503 – July 1566), usually Latinized as Nostradamus, was a French astrologer, physician and reputed seer, who is best known for his book Les Prophéties, a collection of 942 poetic quatrains allegedly predicting future events. The book was first published in 1555. Soothsaying is a profitable venture if you can convince enough people that your fortune-telling skills are real. Nostradamus is probably the most famous example of someone predicting the future although, in this instance, it seems to be a case of reaching for a conclusion rather than the French seer actually getting things right. If you read his prophecies, you’ll soon realize that everything is so vague that you can glean almost anything you like for them. For example, he once wrote about “two steel birds” and fire in a big city which was interpreted as prediction about 9/11.

By 1554, Nostradamus’ visions had become an integral part of his works in the almanacs, and he decided to channel all his energies into a massive opus he entitled Centuries. He planned to write 10 volumes, which would contain 100 predictions forecasting the next 2,000 years. Nostradamus ran into some controversy with his predictions, as some thought he was a servant of the devil, and others said he was fake or insane. However, many more believed the prophecies were spiritually inspired. He became famous and in demand by many of Europe’s elite. Catherine de Medici, the wife of King Henri II of France, was one of Nostradamus’ greatest admirers. After reading his almanacs of 1555, where he hinted at unnamed threats to her family, she summoned him to Paris to explain and draw up horoscopes for her children. A few years later, she made him Counselor and Physician-in-Ordinary to King Henri’s court.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Posthumous portrait of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, by Barbara Krafft (c. 1819). Wikimedia Commons.

Mozart Would be all about Music and Poop Jokes

“One or two posts about music and everything else about poop. Dude had a fetish.” No, this is not made up. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (January 1756 – December 1791), Austrian composer, widely recognized as one of the greatest composers in the history of Western music really loved potty humor. Particularly in his youth, Mozart had a striking fondness for scatological humor (not so unusual in his time), which is preserved in his many surviving letters, notably those written to his cousin Maria Anna Thekla Mozart around 1777-1778, but also in his correspondence with his sister Nannerl and his parents. You know what? Let’s not even try to explain this to you. Let’s just show you the primary source letter we have from Mozart in correspondence with a friend. He really, really loved potty humor.

“Now I must relate to you a sad story that happened just this minute. As I am in the middle of my best writing, I hear a noise in the street. I stop writing—get up, go to the window—and—the noise is gone—I sit down again, start writing once more—I have barely written ten words when I hear the noise again—I rise—but as I rise, I can still hear something but very faint—it smells like something burning—wherever I go it stinks, when I look out the window, the smell goes away, when I turn my head back to the room, the smell comes back—finally My Mama says to me: I bet you let one go?—I don’t think so, Mama. yes, yes, I’m quite certain, I put it to the test, stick my finger in my a**, then put it to my nose, and—there is the proof! Mama was right!” Ew. What a weird but brilliant man.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
George Washington Carver. Wikimedia.

George Washington Carver Would Obsessively Post about Peanuts

“George Washington Carver: All of his statuses would be about some d*mn peanuts.” George Washington Carver (circa 1864 – 1963) was undoubtedly the King of Peanuts. But he was so much more than that and many points of misinformation about this brilliant scientist. Some of George Washington Carver’s best-known inventions include crop rotation, or planting different crops to restore soil instead of single-crop farming, and creating 300 different uses for peanuts (which actually weren’t classified as a crop until Carver’s work). George Washington Carver created more than 300 products from the peanut plant but is often remembered for the one he didn’t invent: peanut butter. The agricultural scientist is often given credit for “discovering” something that was already there. In 1884, Marcellus Gilmore Edson of Canada patented peanut paste.

At a young age, Carver took a keen interest in plants and experimented with natural pesticides, fungicides and soil conditioners. He became known as the “the plant doctor” to local farmers due to his ability to discern how to improve the health of their gardens, fields and orchards. Through his work on soil chemistry, Carver learned that years of growing cotton had depleted the nutrients from soil, resulting in low yields. But by growing nitrogen-fixing plants like peanuts, soybeans and sweet potatoes, the soil could be restored, allowing yield to increase dramatically when the land was reverted to cotton use a few years later. All of this success in crop rotation had an unexpected consequence: the overproduction of peanuts. Which caused Carver to look into the possibilities of peanut’s uses. In all, he developed more than 300 food, industrial and commercial products from peanuts, including milk, Worcestershire sauce, punches, cooking oils and salad oil, paper, cosmetics, soaps and wood stains. He also experimented with peanut-based medicines, such as antiseptics, laxatives and goiter medications.

These Historic Figures Would be the Worst Facebook Friends
Joseph Stalin. Wikimedia.

Joseph Stalin

“Stalin, so many paranoid posts and if you didn’t like them quick enough you’d sent to a gulag.” Joseph Stalin (1878-1953) was the dictator of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR) from 1929 to 1953. Under Stalin, the Soviet Union was transformed from a peasant society into an industrial and military superpower. However, he ruled by terror, and millions of his own citizens perished during his brutal reign. Of course, his mind must have also been ruled by terror. He was notoriously paranoid. Many have actually speculated as to where his paranoid tendencies came from. And its roots could have been found in untreated mental illness.

Stalin left no room for opposition within his party. Whether a party member was truly a threat or not, Stalin left no room for contemplation. He simply nipped the perceived problem in the bud through swift extermination. “Personality and Foreign Policy: The Case of Stalin,” which appeared in the journal Political Psychology is an excellent source in understanding the theory that Stalin’s terrorizing behavior stemmed from paranoia. The author, Raymond Birt, explains that paranoia often begins during childhood in a situation in which the child feels both dependent on and threatened by the father. Stalin indeed experienced this situation with his drunken and abusive father. Birt claims his behavior while in power is indicative of a paranoid need to protect his narcissistic ego from external threats.

Where do we find this Stuff? Here are our Sources:

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britannica.com/art/Western-music

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