Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don't Make Sense
Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense

Khalid Elhassan - September 30, 2021

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
An improved M16A1 with forward assist in Vietnam. Encyclopedia Britannica

14. The Improved M16 Rifle

The improved M16A1 rifle featured a firing chamber that was coated with chrome. That drastically cut down on the corrosion problems that had plagued the original version. The redesigned rifle also featured a forward assist, that allowed troops to manually tap the bolt forward when necessary. Between the new emphasis on training and instructing the troops on the proper cleaning and maintenance of their rifles, the cleaner firing cartridges, and the redesigned M16A1, the problems that had plagued the original M16 were largely gone by 1968.

For many front line combat troops, the very fact that they were in Vietnam might have still sucked. However, being stuck in a war with an unreliable rifle was no longer among the reasons that made Vietnam an especially unpleasant experience. As it is, the M16 is a great rifle in the hands of professionals who are trained to maintain and get the most out of it. It is not as forgiving a weapon as the AK-47, but it is a great one for those who know how to take care of it.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
Progression of M16 improvements, from top: M16A1, M16A2, M4, and M16A4. Wikimedia

13. A Rifle For Professionals

When well taken care of, the M16 rifle was a significantly better and higher performing firearm than its Soviet Cold War counterpart. Unlike the AK-47, the M16 is not well suited for irregulars, peasant insurgents, and poorly trained guerrillas. It can not be buried in a swamp, then taken out and be expected to fire without mishap. M16 users are expected to maintain their weapon by cleaning and inspecting it on a daily basis, which makes it a, literally, higher maintenance weapon than the AK.

However, that higher maintenance is counterbalanced by higher performance. Professional soldiers – and the American military establishment is as highly professional a military organization as exists anywhere – are trained to maintain and clean their weapons as a matter of daily routine. It is not an onerous chore, but simply part of the job. In exchange, they can expect – and have gotten for decades now – higher performance from their M16 rifle family than their opponents who wield the AK-47 and its derivatives.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
President John F. Kennedy and General Curtis LeMay.

12. The US Plan to Invade Cuba

In 1962, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Pentagon urged President Kennedy to invade Cuba in order to remove Soviet nuclear missiles from the island. The Joint Chiefs of Staff unanimously agreed that a full-scale invasion was the only solution. They presented JFK with two versions: Oplan 316 for a full invasion, and Oplan 312 for aerial strikes to take out the missiles, followed by an invasion if necessary. The hawks, led by Air Force General Curtis LeMay, had a clear preference for Oplan 316, as they contended that there was no guarantee that air strikes alone would take out all the missiles, or that one or more of the missiles would not be fired at the US.

Planners expected 18,500 US casualties in the first ten days of the invasion, provided that there were no nuclear explosions. However, unbeknownst to Pentagon planners, Soviet forces in Cuba had tactical nuclear weapons, and Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev had authorized the Soviet commander in the island to use them at his discretion if he deemed it necessary. The planned invasion of Cuba thus threatened to turn the Cold War very hot, indeed. As the crisis intensified, Khrushchev withdrew release authority and forbade the use of tactical nukes use without his express permission. However, as seen below, whether the modified orders would have been followed, is debatable.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
Khrushchev and Castro. Defense Media Network

11. JFK’s Refusal to Let His Military Advisers Jam Him Into an Invasion of Cuba Might Have Saved the World

Tactical nukes were dispersed throughout Cuba to various Soviet units, under the physical control of officers as low down the chain of command as captains. Soviet forces had trained to use those weapons as part of their defensive plan, and in the heat of battle weapons custodians would have been under intense pressure as they were subjected to overwhelming US aerial strikes, naval bombardment, and ground attacks. The Red Army in 1962, with victory in WWII only 17 years in its past, did not lack military pride or an ethos of defiance unto death.

It is thus not difficult to envision a desperate local commander, perhaps cutoff from communications with higher authority, using the tactical nukes at hand to save his command, or at least ensure that its demise did not come cheap. If the Soviets had used nukes in Cuba, US plans called for a massive nuclear response. Things could easily have escalated from there to turn the Cold War hot with a full blown nuclear exchange that would have devastated both countries and Europe, irradiated the Northern Hemisphere, and set humanity back centuries. Luckily, President Kennedy resisted the pressure from his generals and admirals, relied on diplomacy, back channels, and blockade, and successfully diffused the crisis without triggering WWIII.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
General Douglas MacArthur observing the Inchon landings. Encyclopedia Britannica

10. Douglas MacArthur Wanted to Nuke China

Early in the Cold War, the forces of communist North Korea triggered the Korean War when it invaded South Korea, overran that US ally and client state, and threatened to seize the entire Korean Peninsula. General Douglas MacArthur turned the tide in September, 1950, with a brilliant amphibious landing at Inchon, in the North Koreans’ rear. The result was a swift collapse of the communist invasion, after which MacArthur vigorously pursued the routed enemy northward up the Korean Peninsula. Unfortunately, he then grew overconfident.

MacArthur blithely dismissed warnings that China would directly intervene in the war if his forces approached the Sino-Korean border, and insisted that the Chinese would do nothing. He turned out to be disastrously wrong. Soon after his forces reached the Yalu River, which marked the border with China, hundreds of thousands of Chinese began to pour into Korea. They evaded detection, suddenly struck in November, 1950, and caught a surprised MacArthur completely off guard. Within weeks, the US general and his forces had been defeated, and pushed out of North Korea back across the border into South Korea.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
President Harry S. Truman and General Douglas MacArthur. Life Magazine

9. Rather Than Let MacArthur Turn the Cold War Hot, President Truman Fired Him

Douglas MacArthur’s judgment and estimate of Chinese reaction were proven catastrophically wrong. His forces were chased back down the Korean Peninsula by the Chinese even faster than they had raced up in pursuit of the North Koreans. A humiliated MacArthur reacted with histrionics, and insisted that atomic bombs be dropped on China. His plan was to drop up to 50 atomic bombs in Manchuria on Chinese cities, military concentrations, and communication centers. His ultimate aim was to seal off the Korean Peninsula from China with a radioactive belt that stretched across Manchuria from the Sea of Japan to the Yellow Sea.

President Truman, whom MacArthur had confidently assured only weeks earlier that China would do nothing if his forces marched up to the Chinese border, balked. He declined to trust MacArthur’s further confident assurances that the Soviets would do nothing if the US dropped dozens of atomic bombs on their Chinese ally. When MacArthur publicly contradicted Truman’s position, he was ordered to clear any further statements on the subject with the State Department first. MacArthur violated those orders, and again challenged Truman publicly on the use of atomic weapons in the Korean war,. So in an early Cold War assertion of civilian control of the military, Truman fired the difficult general.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
A North Vietnamese convoy wending its way along the Ho Chi Minh Trail to South Vietnam. Thing Link

8. The Planned Invasion of North Vietnam

Another Cold War invasion contemplated by the US military but not carried out was of North Vietnam. During the Vietnam War, plans were drawn to end North Vietnamese infiltration into South Vietnam and support for the insurgency there by taking out North Vietnam with a direct invasion. The plan, as described in On Strategy: A Critical Analysis of the Vietnam War, by Harry G. Summers, was reminiscent of the Normandy invasion. It called for landing an airborne division to the north and west of Hanoi to block off the approaches to the Hanoi-Haiphong region. It was to be accompanied by a seaborne invasion, with three amphibious divisions landed on beaches in the Haiphong area.

The Haiphong force would then advance to Hanoi and linkup up with the airborne troops there. With the Hanoi-Haiphong area secured, outside support would be drastically curtailed. Two major railroads from China would be severed, the country’s main seaport would be in American hands, and the lines of communications to the south would be interdicted. Starved of Chinese and Soviet arms, munitions, and supplies, and cutoff from a steady infusion of North Vietnamese manpower, planners expected that organized armed resistance in South Vietnam would soon wane and collapse.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
North Vietnamese Army (NVA) engineers erecting a bridge on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Pintrest

7. The Risk of Chinese Intervention Led to the Shelving of the Plan to Invade North Vietnam

The plan to invade the Haiphong-Hanoi area stood a high chance of success against the North Vietnamese. However, it was deemed too dangerous because there was no guarantee that the invaders would only have to deal with North Vietnamese forces: the odds that China would join the fray were high. At the time, only 15 years had gone by since the Korean War. In that war, US and allied forces had pursued the routed North Koreans all the way to the Chinese border, based on the mistaken belief that China would do nothing. That led to an unpleasant surprise when the Chinese jumped in and pushed American forces all the way back to South Korea.

If China directly joined the Vietnam War in response to a US invasion of North Vietnam, things could easily escalate from there into WWIII, and drag in the Soviets. Unlike the situation during the Korean conflict and in the early days of the Cold War, the US no longer held an overwhelming nuclear superiority. By the second half of the 1960s, the Soviets possessed thousands of nuclear warheads, as well as the means to deliver them to targets in the US. American interests in Vietnam were simply not worth the risk, and the so the planned invasion of Hanoi-Haiphong was never carried out.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
American soldier in Vietnam, 1971, lined up to give urine samples at a heroin detection center before they could return to the US. National Public Radio

6. A Fifth of US Military Personnel in Vietnam Got Hooked on Heroin

Until 1969, the only drug widely available to American troops in Vietnam was marijuana. But starting in 1969, heroin became widely available. It was cheap, and so pure that servicemen could get high smoking heroin mixed with tobacco. That made it more appealing to those who would have been reluctant to inject the drug in their veins with a needle and syringe. By 1971, almost half of US Army enlistees in Vietnam had tried heroin, and of those, about half exhibited signs of addiction. The addiction epidemic spread from Vietnam to other US military installations around the world, and the American garrison in West Germany was especially hard hit.

In response, President Nixon created the Special Action Office of Drug Abuse Prevention. He also ordered further research on military personnel addiction, which revealed that 20% of American servicemen in Vietnam self-identified as heroin addicts. At the time, the US was drawing down its presence in Vietnam, and about 1000 troops were sent back home each day, where most were discharged soon thereafter. It meant that hundreds of active heroin addicts were being released into the US each week. The result was a toxic medley of social problems that rocked 1970s America.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
The US military explored the possibility of stopping the Earth’s rotation. Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers

5. The Cold War Plan to Stop the Earth’s Rotation

Necessity is often said to be the mother of invention, and fear often triggers the necessity to stop whatever had caused it. The Cold War was one of the most fear inducing stretches of human history – as in pants-soiling scary at times, with two jittery superpowers glaring at each other while armed with enough nukes to wipe out humanity many times over. So the era saw its fair share – and more – of inventions to address, combat, and foil the causes of that fear.

Thing though is that fear sometimes drives the fearful to not just think outside the box, but to get carried away with their outside the box thinking. As in way, way, away in the “creative” ideas department. As with most ideas, some of them turn out to be brilliant brainstorms, but many more turn out to be brain farts. Of the latter, few ideas were more crazy than that hatched up to foil Soviet nukes by stopping the Earth’s rotation.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
Soviet nuclear missiles. Russia Beyond the Horizon

4. A Method to the Madness

Stopping the Earth’s rotation sounds crazy – and it was. However, there was actually a method to the madness and a kernel of logic involved. To launch an ICBM and get its warhead to accurately nuke a target thousands of miles away involves intricate calculations, not least among them planetary rotation. If one could tinker with Earth’s rotation, one could screw up those intricate calculations, and cause ballistic missiles to miss their targets. Thus was born PROJECT RETRO, an early 1960s research effort into what it would take to pause the planet’s spinning.

The project was worthy of Wile E. Coyote in that, like many of his schemes, the science actually works in theory. Once launched, the Cold War’s early ballistic missiles could not be redirected. Because of Earth’s rotation, to hit something with a ballistic missile is like shooting an arrow at a mobile target. In both cases, the shooter has to aim not at where the target is, but at where the target will be in the time it takes the missile or arrow to get there. PROJECT RETRO hoped to ensure that the ICBMs’ targets would not be there when their warheads detonated.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
What if instead of using 1 rocket to catch a bird, we used many rocket engines to stop the Earth from spinning? Imgur

3. A Cold War Plan Worthy of Looney Tunes

To illustrate the logic of PROJECT RETRO, picture an ICBM that takes 30 minutes to fly from the Soviet Union to New York City. The Soviets would their missile not at where NYC is at the time of launch, but at where the Big Apple will be, because of the Earth’s rotation, in 30 minutes. However, if a moving target ceases to move after a projectile such as a missile is launched, the result will be a miss. So the United States Air Force floated the idea of using rocket engines to stop the Earth from moving.

Specifically, planners contemplated the use of a a huge rectangular array of one thousand first-stage Atlas engines” to stop the Earth from moving. In theory, such a crazy Looney Tunes plan could foil Soviet ICBMs. Accordingly, the Air Force set out to test the theory’s feasibility. In 1960, the RAND Corporation with asked to evaluate whether giant stationary rocket engines might be used to pause Earth’s rotation in case of nuclear attack. As seen below, while there was something to the theory, going from theory to practice was… problematic.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
How many rocket engines like these would it take to counteract the Earth’s rotation? A whole lot. NASA

2. Sound in Theory, Impossible in Practice

The US Air Force’s spitball guesstimate that a thousand rocket engines could pause the Earth’s rotation turned out to be too low. As Daniel Ellsberg, a RAND Corporation planner who crunched the numbers concluded, it required not a thousand Atlas rockets, but “one million billion” of them. The rocket fuel necessary would have been “500 times the mass of Earth’s atmosphere“. That was beyond even the Pentagon’s budget. And even if Pentagon could afford it, to pause the planet’s spin would have produced results far worse than if all the Soviet nukes had hit their targets.

Assume a 30 minute ICBM flight time from Russia to New York City, and a 20 minute warning. For the missile to miss by 10 miles, Earth’s rotation would have to be slowed by about 30 miles for 20 minutes. If that happened, every structure, grain of sand, drop of water, and living thing on the planet would experience that deceleration. The result would be shattering earthquakes, massive tsunamis, and super hurricanes – all beyond anything ever recorded in human history – wreaking havoc across the planet. A nuclear Armageddon would actually be mild compared to that.

Absurd Cold War Stories That Just Don’t Make Sense
Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev. Medium

1. An Extra Terrestrial Attack Could Have Stopped the Cold War

President Ronald Reagan was the Happy Cold Warrior. A staunch conservative and anticommunist, he went about with a sunny disposition and demeanor that did little to mask his implacable detestation of communism and opposition of the Soviet Union. His single minded focus on challenging what he termed “The Evil Empire”, and dragging the USSR into an arms buildup competition that its rickety economy could not sustain, contributed greatly to the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union. However, there was one field where he was more than happy to cooperate with the Soviets.

As Mikhail Gorbachev recounted, he was strolling around a garden with Reagan during the 1985 Geneva Summit, when the POTUS blurted out of the blue: “What would you do if the United States were suddenly attacked by someone from outer space? Would you help us?” Gorbachev replied that the Soviets would help us out against ET. That greatly pleased the American president – apparently, the threat of alien attack had been gnawing at Reagan, a lifelong sci-fi nerd, for years. So turns out that extraterrestrials might have united humanity to stop the Cold War in order to face a common enemy.

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Where Did We Find This Stuff? Some Sources and Further Reading

American Rifleman – US M16: A Half Century of America’s Combat Rifle

Associated Press – Newspaper Reports Ex-Soviet KGB Defector Oleg Lyalin Dead

BBC – On This Day: 1971, I Arrested a KGB Super Spy

Boing Boing – US Air Force Proposal: Pause the Earth’s Rotation So Nukes Would Miss Targets

Cracked – 5 Cold War Stories That Reveal It Was a Total Clown Show

Defense Media Network – The Cuban Missile Crisis: Castro, Oplan 314/316, and Khrushchev’s Decision

Dormandy, Thomas – Opium: Reality’s Dark Dream (2012)

Ellsberg, Daniel – The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner (2017)

Gaddis, John Lewis – The Cold War: A New History (2005)

Gunivore – History of the M16 Rifle

Halberstam, David – The Coldest Winter: America and the Korean War (2008)

Hari, Johann – Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs (2016)

History Collection – FRACTURE JAW: The Plan to Nuke North Vietnam

Los Angeles Times, November 7th, 1999 – The Rise and Fall of Joseph McCarthy

NPR, January 2nd, 2012 – What Vietnam Taught Us About Breaking Bad Habits

Pew Pew Tactical – A (Not So) Brief History of the M16

Small Arms Review – The M16 in Vietnam

Smithsonian Magazine, November 25th, 2015 – Reagan and Gorbachev Agreed to Pause the Cold War in Case of Alien Invasion

Summers, Harry G. – On Strategy: A Critical Analysis of the Vietnam War (1995)

Time Magazine, August 28th, 2012 – Malcolm Browne: The Story Behind the Burning Monk

Vanity Fair, June 1st, 2008 – Lost in Enemy Airspace

We Are the Mighty – America Wanted to Stop Earth’s Rotation During Cold War

Wikipedia – M16 Rifle

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