7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History

7 Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History

Patrick Lynch - March 24, 2017

They say that ‘crime doesn’t pay’ as a deterrent in the hope that the average member of the public will not stray down this unfortunate path. Some of us steer clear of criminal activity because we are afraid of the punishment, while others believe they simply don’t have the capacity.

In contrast, there are some experts in the field of crime, and they enjoy a lucrative career while always looking over their shoulder. Then there are the people on this list; idiots who should never have become involved in crime but were too stupid to realize it. They believed it was possible to earn ‘easy money’ but didn’t count on their own incompetence bringing them down. Read on and enjoy.

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
Nectar to Criminal Idiots. Daily Mail

1 – Looking For Fugitives? Beer is the Secret Ingredient!

If you are a fan of The Simpsons, you may remember an old episode called ‘Lisa the Skeptic’ where Homer and a number of other criminals in Springfield are caught in a police sting. On that occasion, the cops used the lure of free motorboats. Okay, but that is a cartoon featuring a known moron, it couldn’t work in real life, could it?

Police in Derbyshire, UK, put the theory to the test in 2011. Instead of using something lavish to trick wanted criminals, they tried something a little simpler; a free crate of beer. The police were fed up chasing fugitives in the county, and they lacked the resources and manpower to launch a wide scale manhunt. Instead, they sent letters to dozens of suspects which invited them to ring a marketing company that was offering a free crate of beer.

When a criminal rang the number, they were unknowingly put through to the Chesterfield police station. The officers pretended to be sales representatives of the fictional company and arranged a time and place for the suspects to pick up their free alcohol. Incredibly, a total of 19 wanted fugitives fell for the trick, and when they arrived at the different locations to collect their beer, all they found was a police welcome party.

It is remarkable that so many people fell for such a simple trick and even more incredible that these fools evaded capture for so long! The idea was part of a month-long campaign aiming to tackle serious crime across the county of Derbyshire. Chief Inspector Graham McLaughlin spoke to the local and national press about the initiative and must have had a hard time keeping the giggles at bay! He said it was a cost-effective strategy and the police were looking for other innovative ways to catch criminals. Maybe free fish and chips the next time?

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
Albert Bailey. Detonate

2 – Albert Bailey Gives the Bank a ‘Heads Up.’

If you work in a bank that gets robbed, it is an extremely traumatic experience; not least because you didn’t see it coming. One minute you are serving a customer, the next you have a shotgun waved in your face. If only all bank robbers were as considerate as Albert Bailey and his junior accomplice.

One of the hardest things about robbing a bank is quickly getting in and out before the police arrive. If you steal a large sum of money, it takes time to count it and increases your risk of capture. Bailey knew this which is why he decided to ring the People’s Bank in Fairfield, Connecticut on March 23, 2010, to let them know he was coming. Yes, you read that right; Bailey rang the bank to tell them he was about to rob the place. In his tiny mind, Bailey figured the phone call gave the bank tellers enough time to count the cash and have it ready when he arrived. Have a guess what the bank staff did next?

If that wasn’t dumb enough, Bailey sent a young accomplice to the bank with a note telling them to hand over the money. Maybe he was worried that the bank would get him confused with another robber? In any case, a bank employee was on the phone to the police to tell them what was happening. Bailey had told the financial institution to have $100,000 ready or else there would be a bloodbath.

The bank initiated a lockdown once the accomplice was inside and instead of receiving the six-figure sum demanded by his boss, the young man meekly accepted $900 and asked to be let out. By now, police cars were outside so when the suspect ran to the getaway car where Bailey was waiting, the pair of dummies were arrested immediately. To add to the hilarity, the criminals asked that the money was not placed in a dye pack. Their wishes were not followed so when one of them threw the bag on the ground; it exploded with dye.

Both criminals were charged with threatening in the first degree and first-degree robbery. Bailey was already on probation for another failed hold-up several years ago, so he received a nine-year prison sentence.

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
Derrick Mosley. Willamette Week

3 – Derrick Mosley Tries To Rob a Gun Store with a Baseball Bat

You might have heard the old saying “never bring a knife to a gun fight.” Clearly, Derrick Mosley either didn’t hear this phrase or else he was too stupid to realize what it means. For reasons best known to himself, Mosley attempted to rob a gun store in Portland, Oregon, using a baseball bat and knife.

One Thursday afternoon in July 2013, Mosley arrived at Discount Gun Sales in Beaverton and tried to steal a semi-automatic gun by smashing the case with a baseball bat. It didn’t take the store manager long to realize he was dealing with a complete fool, so he quickly turned the tables on the criminal by brandishing his gun. Obviously, Mosley was taken aback that the manager of a gun shop would be armed with a gun and the startled thief complied when the manager ordered him to drop the handgun, knife and baseball bat and lie on the floor.

He contacted the police who arrived to arrest Mosley for first-degree theft, first-degree robbery, second-degree mischief and unlawful possession of a firearm. Although we can laugh at the idiocy of Mosley’s attempt, the Washington County Sheriff’s Office made a good point in its press release. It outlined that the police didn’t know what the criminal’s intentions were once he got his hands on the gun. If he was desperate enough to try and rob a gun store with just a bat and knife, what would he do once he had a gun?

Mosley was thrown in Washington County Jail with bail set at $250,000. One hopes that when he gets out of prison, he doesn’t suddenly get smarter and try to plan his next robbery.

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
The Poor Mouth

4 – Mohammad Ashan Tries to Claim a Reward…on Himself

Everyone knows that terrorism is no laughing matter as the threat of these violent groups grows larger throughout the globe. When we think of terrorists, we imagine the likes of Osama Bin Laden and others who carefully plot attacks with precision or bombers who have no issue sacrificing their life to end the lives of others. These men and women are to be feared; Mohammad Ashan? Not so much. Indeed, if all terrorists were as stupid as this guy, the world would be a much better place.

He was a mid-level Taliban member in east Afghanistan until April 2012 when he decided to walk up to a police checkpoint, pointed to a wanted poster that showed his face and announced that it was him. Was this a case of a guilty conscience? Did Ashan get tired of the struggle and decide to give up? No. Incredibly, he wanted the $100 reward for his capture!.

Ashan was a prime suspect in the attacks on Afghan security forces, so Specialist Matthew Baker was more than a little shocked when the terrorist apparently turned himself in. According to Baker, the men at the checkpoint asked Ashan if it was really him. Apparently, Ashan answered ‘yes, yes, that’s me’ with a remarkable amount of enthusiasm. Then he said something that defied belief: “Can I get my reward now?”

The soldiers arrested him, presumably after suppressing their laughter. Ashan became the butt of their jokes with one official dubbing him the ‘Home Alone burglars’ of the Taliban. Even with Ashan in custody, the soldiers couldn’t believe that it was the man on the poster. Eventually, they confirmed it with a biometric scan. It is hard to fathom why anyone would turn themselves in and expect a reward. As one of the soldiers remarked: “Clearly, this man is an imbecile.”

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
Logan Rhys James. Mirror

5 – Don’t taunt the police on Facebook…

There must be something in the water up in Wales as not one, but two wanted criminals took to Facebook to taunt Gwent Police. In 2015, Logan Rhys James, then 19 years of age, went on the popular social media network to issue a “Catch Me If You Can” message to Gwent Police after the law enforcers posted a message on their Facebook page. It asked for assistance in the capture of James, who had breached his bail conditions.

Instead of keeping a low profile, James decided to play a game with the police. On the Gwent Police page, he wrote: “Haha catch me if you can, won’t see me slipping.” James had been released from prison after being sentenced to eight months for attacking someone with a knife. Less than a week later, he breached his license as he failed to stay in touch with the police.

James was clearly a hardened criminal as he spoke about how the police had been around to his mother’s house four times and they wouldn’t catch him for months. He then wrote that he was walking around near his house which meant the cops were not trying too hard to look for him. Within a couple of days, they found him and locked him up.

Perhaps James should have learned from the mistake made by Alan Watkins in 2013. He also taunted the Gwent Police on Facebook and wrote: “Wow, I’m on the Gwent police site. You catch me if you can.” Watkins suggested that he would run away to Spain and claimed he was too fast for the police. Then he asked if he should choose freedom or prison? In the end, the police made the decision for him as he was arrested and banged up. Now, speaking of Facebook idiots…

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
Really Channel UKTV

6 – Trevor Jones Goes Stealing, Leaves Facebook Page Open

Sometimes, it is best for a criminal just to run away before the police catch him. Unfortunately for Trevor Jones, he was one determined and idiotic burglar.

This hilarious caper began when Jones decided to rob the house of Samantha White and leave his car in her driveway. White just happened to come home while Jones was inside and when she spotted a strange car outside her house and her front door wide open, she wisely decided not to go in.

It is hard to know what was going through Jones’ head when he decided to go stealing that day because he left his wallet and car keys in his vehicle. White took them and also phoned the police. When Jones returned to his car with the stolen goods only to find his wallet and keys missing, you might have thought that the best plan was to flee or even attempt to hot wire the vehicle to make his getaway. White had his ID, so Jones had already entered ‘dumb criminal’ territory but what he did next makes this caper legendary.

Rather than getting the hell out of dodge, Jones elected to sprint into a nearby pond and broke into another house on the other side. While in his new burglary target, Jones logged into Facebook and forgot to log out when he left. The criminal mastermind also left behind puddles which were discovered by the homeowner when they returned. Apparently, police believe he committed both burglaries.

7  Most Mind-Numbingly Dumb Criminals in History
New York Daily News

7 – The Great Donkey Robbery Doesn’t Go As Planned

When robbers plan a heist, one of the main considerations is a getaway vehicle. Ideally, you will have a ‘wheelman’ outside who is ready to move as soon as you enter the car with the loot. When you get it right, you could be miles away before the police arrive at the scene. If you make a mess of it, you practically arrest yourself.

Three criminals who committed a grocery store robbery in Juan de Acosta, Colombia, in January 2013 learned the importance of a clean getaway the hard way. First, the trio of thieves stole a 10-year-old donkey called Xavi. Apparently, they believed he would make a good getaway ‘vehicle’ as their main target was a local grocery store.

The robbery at the grocery store was reasonably successful as the gang broke in at 2 am and pilfered rice, oil, rum, sardines and other goods. The next step was an utter disaster. They loaded their plunder on the back of Xavi in the hope that he would quietly walk with them out of the town. However, the angry donkey had other ideas and started braying loudly. At that stage, the police were not even aware a robbery had taken place, but the noises made by Xavi brought them to the scene.

Knowing the game was up; the three fools ran away and abandoned their loot which remained on Xavi’s back. The unfortunate donkey was detained for 12 hours in the local police station before finally being released. Although all the stolen items were returned to the store, the thieves were not caught.